What is Wrong with Me?
If you’ve ever caught yourself thinking, “Why am I like this?” or “Why can’t I just handle things better?”—you’re not alone. I hear this in my office, and I know those thoughts can feel incredibly convincing.
Looking through a Polyvagal Theory lens has deeply shifted how I understand these moments—both for my clients and within myself.
Your nervous system isn’t flawed. And it’s certainly not broken.
It’s doing exactly what it was designed to do: protect you and keep you alive.
The complexity is that your nervous system doesn’t only respond to what’s happening right now. It draws from past experiences, learned patterns, and cues about what feels safe or unsafe. So, when you feel anxious, overwhelmed, reactive, or shut down, it isn’t random. It’s your system making a rapid assessment: something here doesn’t feel safe—I need to respond.
Even if, logically, another part of you knows you’re okay.
This is where so much internal tension can arise. One part of you might be saying, “This shouldn’t be a big deal,” while your body is already mobilizing—your heart racing, your hands sweating, your chest tightening. Or perhaps the opposite happens, and you feel numb, disconnected, or checked out.
From a polyvagal perspective, these responses make sense. Anxiety can reflect your system preparing to protect you. Shutdown can be your system applying the brakes when things feel overwhelming. These are not signs of dysfunction—they are adaptive and learned survival strategies.
And more often than not, they have served you in meaningful ways at some point in your life.
One of the most powerful shifts I witness in therapy is when we move from asking, “What’s wrong with me?” to “What is my nervous system trying to do for me right now?” That subtle reframe can begin to soften shame and invite curiosity.
When you start to relate to your nervous system as an ally—even when it’s a bit overprotective—you create space to respond to yourself differently. With more patience. More understanding. And less self-criticism.
