Teaching Your Child Their Body Clues: A Polyvagal-Informed Invitation

A few weeks ago, a mother sat across from me, eyes full of worry. “He just snaps, Keri. One second he’s fine, the next it’s like a switch flips. I don’t see it coming, and neither does he. What do I do?”

It’s a question I hear often. When children struggle to regulate, it can feel like their emotions arrive out of nowhere… sudden, intense, and all-consuming. But the truth is, the body always whispers before it shouts. It’s just that most kids haven’t been taught how to listen.

And most adults weren’t either.

Polyvagal theory gives us a compassionate lens: our nervous systems shape our responses long before our thinking brain catches up. Before a child says “I’m mad,” their heart is pounding. Their hands are tense. Their belly is fluttery. These are what we call body clues, the early signals that tell us we’re drifting from safety and connection.

So often, we teach children to say “I’m sorry” or “use your words,” but what if we also taught them to notice what their body was feeling?

One of the little ones I work with recently described his body clue like this: “It feels like my legs want to run away, but I’m stuck.” Another told me, “My mouth gets hot and my eyes get squinty before I yell.” These are beautiful insights, not because they’re perfect descriptions, but because they’re theirs. They mark a moment of self-awareness, a step toward regulation.

Learning body clues isn’t about getting it right. It’s about returning to ourselves with curiosity.

That’s why I often invite families to slow down and play with language together. Instead of asking, “Why did you hit your sister?” you might wonder aloud, “I wonder what your body was trying to tell you in that moment.” Most kids won’t know how to answer right away and that’s okay. You’re planting a seed. You’re inviting awareness.

This kind of awareness doesn’t excuse behavior. It empowers change.

In calm moments, you can explore together:
“What does your body feel like when you're calm?”
“What does mad feel like in your shoulders?”
“If your tummy could talk, what would it say right now?”

The goal isn’t to avoid big feelings, but to build a relationship with them. To notice when the wave is coming and to learn how to ride it together.

That’s where co-regulation comes in. You become the safety net, the translator, the co-regulator who helps make sense of what doesn’t yet have words.

And when your child learns to notice their body clues, something beautiful happens: they begin to trust themselves. They start to believe that their inner world is worth noticing, that every signal, even the messy ones, deserves compassion.

This work takes time. But it is deeply meaningful.

The next time your child seems to unravel without warning, try not to rush in with correction. Pause. Soften. Wonder with them: What is your body trying to tell you? May that small moment open a doorway to connection.