The Hidden Side of Anger: A Tool for Emotional Clarity and Parental Connection

Anger is one of the most common emotions due to the innate physiological make up of humans. When it comes to anger, the body and mind are responding to a perceived threat; this can be healthy and ensure safety. However, there are circumstances where anger is misplaced, or expelled in unhealthy ways for both the individual and those around them. I often see parents walk into my office asking questions like “Where does all of this anger come from? How do I help them? Why is my child always so angry?”. All of these questions are valid and receive a similar response: emotional regulation. 

“Knowing that all behavior makes sense does not mean all behavior is acceptable or understandable or excusable. It just means that there is a reason for it, that it all makes sense.”

― Robyn Gobbel, Raising Kids with Big, Baffling Behaviors: Brain-Body-Sensory Strategies That Really Work

When the brain and body are developing, there are periods where emotions may feel bigger than the child’s capacity to manage them. Anger, in particular, tends to surface when a child feels powerless, misunderstood, unsafe, or unheard. In these moments, what looks like defiance or aggression may actually be a call for connection—a signal that something deeper is going on within their mind and body.

Anger is often the messenger, not the root issue.

It can be a mask for fear, sadness, or shame. When children (or adults) haven’t developed the tools to recognize and express those more vulnerable emotions, anger steps in as a protector. It feels stronger. It feels safer. This is where emotional regulation becomes essential. Teaching children how to identify their emotions, name them, and respond rather than react is the foundation of healing. And this work doesn’t start with the child alone—it starts with the parents, too.

When parents begin to understand their own relationship with anger, they can begin to model regulation in real time. A parent who can say, “I’m feeling really frustrated right now, and I’m going to take a short walk outside before we keep talking,” is showing their child that emotions don’t have to be feared or controlled. They can be acknowledged, felt, and managed.

We don’t eliminate anger in therapy, we get curious about it. We listen to what it’s trying to say. And as we do, something powerful happens:

children begin to feel seen, parents begin to feel empowered, and families begin to shift from cycles of reaction to patterns of connection.

Therefore, I will leave you with this: Yes, If we take the time to slow down, listen, and connect with it, anger can be a tool for clarity, understanding, and growth.